14. In the Garden

"My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death." (Mt. 26:38)

"Through the prism of my tears I have seen a suffering God.  It is said of God that no one can behold his face and live.  I have always thought this meant that no one can see his splendor and live.  A friend said perhaps this meant that no one could see his sorrow and live.  Or perhaps his sorrow is his splendor."  (Nicholas Wolterstorff)

Did Judas see this face in the garden that night?  Not only did he see it, he kissed it.  But did he truly "see" it? That's a question that haunts me.  How could Judas live, gazing into the face of one overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.  Perhaps Judas saw the splendor of God--sorrow--and he could not live.  This, of course, doesn't justify Judas' actions.

I imagine that Peter, too, saw this sorrow when he caught Jesus' eye immediately after that cock crowed for the third time.  Did Jesus wear a splendorous sorrow on his face then--the sorrow over this denial? It is true that Peter can no longer live as he has to this point.  He dies, too.  And in dying, lives.

I want to acquaint myself with the the triumphant God, but I fear the way of triumph--for of course it means sorrow, defeat, death.  To know God, to see his face, is to acquaint myself with suffering, pain, and sorrow.  The only way to God is through Jesus in the garden.